In what appears to be an emerging subplot of the 2014 college basketball season, commentator Dan Dakich is thisclose to finally asking his crush Aaron Craft out on a date.
Craft, the Ohio State point guard, has had a stellar season for the 11th-ranked Buckeyes, but in Dakich’s eyes, Craft will always be No. 1.
“He’s been great all season; you won’t see anyone play the way Aaron Craft plays,” said Dakich. “The way he dives for the ball, makes the right decision every second of the game, can guard all five positions on the court, and never fails to compete, that’s the guy I want whether I’m starting a team or a relationship.”
Dakich’s admiration for Craft has always been well noted, but Dakich admits that he’s a tad worried the answer may be no.
“That’s what’s holding me back,” Dakich said. “What if he denies me furiously like he does an inbound pass? My heart would sink like his amazing buzzer beater against Iowa State in the tourney last year.”
It’s still an ongoing battle just to get Craft’s attention, although Dakich believes he has a fool-proof strategy. Just like how Craft plays hard for 40 minutes nonstop, Dakich feels the top strategy to catch the eyes of the Defensive Player of the Year is to show a similar relentlessness with 40 minutes of compliments.
“I figure the best way to go about this is to do it the only way I know: loud and obnoxiously.”
Even if Craft were to notice the giddy commentator during a game, Dakich still thinks he needs to work on his ice-breaker.
“Something not so subtle would be ideal,” Dakich said. “After all, this isn’t a James Young or a Joel Embiid or even a Doug McDermott; we’re talking about the best player in the country! I tell ya, the second I even think about trying it, my face blushes more than Aaron’s beautiful cheeks in a double OT game.”
Despite not yet having a plan for officially asking him out, Dakich says he has the entire date planned out in his head. It’s something he’s been working on for weeks now and feels like it’s “straight out of ‘The Bachelor’.”
The ideal night starts with a poetry reading, then a sophisticated dinner, followed by a “fun, hopefully steamy photo shoot.”
“Academic All-American last year, how impressive is that? How many guys can do what he does on the court while still going to class and hitting the books hard? I mean, he’s a really smart, sensitive guy so I think our night together needs to reflect that,” Dakich said.
Assuming all goes well, their relationship will be the most notable since Dick Vitale took every member of J.J. Redick’s 2006 Duke team to Red Lobster after each game.
*The purpose of this article is for pure satire. None of the quotes or ideas were ever said or are true.